Easter at home… sorry, not sorry 2020

I’m going to step on some toes,

I’m sorry, but also really I’m not sorry at all about what i am going to write…

I’m in my living room this Easter Sunday, the kids and husband are outside enjoying the weather while dinner cooks in the slow cooker… it’s lamb…i have wanted lamb for my Easter dinner for, well i can’t remember how long, and today because we are at home due to COVID-19 i get to have lamb for Easter dinner.

So many thoughts have been going through my mind today, and I’m sure that i’m not the only one who is thinking this way…

Today I’m getting to spend Easter really thinking about what today means. This morning i woke up early to take care of the animals and i was not stressed about the fact that my kids aren’t going to be dressed to the nines when we go to church. I wasn’t worried about not only wearing my Sunday best but my Easter best. I wasn’t worried about the judgment that comes, and you know it does even when we say we don’t, the judgment when my 9 year old decides that she is going to do her own hair and it looks like she ran a weed eater though it instead of a brush, or she puts on jeans and a shirt instead of the dress that I bought her, but i did not and don’t have the energy to fight her because i was up all night with one of her siblings.

I don’t do Easter baskets, and today was the first Sunday that my kids did not get asked that very awkward question: What did the Easter Bunny bring you this morning? They did not have to listen to what all their friends woke up to. I did not have to answer the question why the Easter bunny did not come to our house. You know what? When they woke this morning they never even asked about candy or baskets. They were just excited that today is the day the tomb was found empty.

I keep thinking about Easter 2015 when I just got home from the hospital with a newborn baby girl, I was tired, I had a 4 year old, i had a less than a week old, and yet was still expected to go out to a family members house for Easter, and than was asked why I was so tired and not willing to pass around my 5 day old baby. We just got home that Friday, my milk was coming in, i was in pain from the birth, but still we got dressed up and went because we were expected to and did not want to upset anyone… I wish we could have stayed home that Easter, like today…

So enjoy your day, where you don’t have to go to that family members house, where you don’t have to worry that your kids Easter best is not up to par with your friends kids, you did not buy matching outfits, and you don’t have to worry about waking that sleeping baby just to “enjoy” family time

~mary e. Johnson-mason

1,000 square feet

This may sound weird… but i feel like i lost a loved one today, now you may be thinking that if I’m thinking that than i don’t really know how that feels but believe me i know better than most.

1,000 square feet, thats all i have to work with, all i have to live it, that may seem like a lot to some but you have to add in the 3 children, the husband, and the four legged animals that share in this 1,000 square foot space.

I took down my easel today, and now i feel like i am telling myself that I’m not a real artist, like i have to paint to be an artist, all the other things you do don’t count…

In truth i am probably better at textiles than i am at painting

In truth i seem to live in a place where my painting style is not cared for and that hurts,

In truth, when I’m in the room with another artist, a painter, and they are the ones that are called the artist, the one with a gift, and nothing is said to me… it makes you question yourself, question if you really are good enough, and than i have to remember that my paintings have been shown in galleries so i can’t be all that bad.

This chapter of my life is not the chapter that allowns me to paint, to experiment like i want to, so i feel like i have lost a loved one, a part of me is missing.

Many people will not understand, heck my husband doesn’t understand, he didn’t even notice the big empty space in the living room, but that does not mean that the feelings are not real,

I need to focus on embroidery, i need to experiment and paint with thread.

First Friday… October 2019

Don’t mind the misplaced words, future embroidery project

Two posts in one day! I might be getting the hang of this! Don’t count on it… 😂

I went to first Friday this evening, you know where the local art galleries have their openings, I did not have anything in a show this go round, but one of my former professors was in a show, so i put the 3 chickadees in the car and dove an hour just to see the work of someone that i used to know.

I have mixed feeling…

The work was amazing…

My children where… not so amazing

8, 4, and 2 not very good ages to have out together, especially when the oldest is board and the other two feed off of her, that and all the sugar they seemed to have consumed in such a short time!

And I’m going to be honest with whoever you are that is reading this, once again i feel like I’m pretending at this artist thing…

I hate how I have to remind myself that i am an artist… that people like my work, i have a very long list of shows where the juror picked my work over so many others. So why do i feel this way!!! Why do I feel like my art is not good enough!? Why do I feel like I’m pretending that i’m an artist?! Maybe if I was around more artists I would feel different?

I had to pick up work that was shown in two past shows, and I found myself trying to hide it form the people that where there, like it didn’t even come close! I mean really how can you compare embroidery that is TINY to these amazing paintings that i could fit 100 or more of my works in? You can’t! I have to remind myself of that!

I want to paint so badly, and if I had the space, the child free space, the toddler free I put everything in my mouth space, than I really think that I could do great things, I have before so why not again!

This session that I’m in… this two bedroom 1,000 square foot 3 children session is not a painting session!

I feel like I’m just doing a craft… I need to stop feeling that way… but how!!!

How do you stop feeling that way when everything you learned in college is telling you that you are doing a craft not an art, but every time i have entered said “craft” into a show it has gotten in…

I need to stop now, it’s late, and my mind tends to wonder… I wish i could be painting right now, it’s Friday night and everyone is asleep, but i have no space to wait for paint to dry…

I need to remember that just because it is small and fits in my bag… my embroidery is no less important… is no less art… than all of the larger paintings hanging on the wall…

Just some rambling from an artist who isn’t feeling much like an artist…