I have been thinking a lot about what I’m doing with this blog… I am not a blogger!!! But i am an artist… so lets do this art blog, and try to do it once a week, 52 blogs is much easier to wrap my head around than 366 days!
I am going to focus on textiles this year, see how far in the art world my new found love for embroidery is going to take me, it seems to be what I am good at
I am going to stop seeing what other people can do and get depressed when i know that i can’t do it, it’s just not my gift, not my style, not who i am
I am going to try to stop getting upset when i am looked over as an artist by those around me, because i am not the “traditional” artist that they understand
I am going to try and learn how this blogging thing works, and try to post at least once a week
So here’s to a new year, a year in discovering who i am, getting my work out there, stopping comparing myself to other artists (in a bad way), letting go and just BE ME
This may sound weird… but i feel like i lost a loved one today, now you may be thinking that if I’m thinking that than i don’t really know how that feels but believe me i know better than most.
1,000 square feet, thats all i have to work with, all i have to live it, that may seem like a lot to some but you have to add in the 3 children, the husband, and the four legged animals that share in this 1,000 square foot space.
I took down my easel today, and now i feel like i am telling myself that I’m not a real artist, like i have to paint to be an artist, all the other things you do don’t count…
In truth i am probably better at textiles than i am at painting
In truth i seem to live in a place where my painting style is not cared for and that hurts,
In truth, when I’m in the room with another artist, a painter, and they are the ones that are called the artist, the one with a gift, and nothing is said to me… it makes you question yourself, question if you really are good enough, and than i have to remember that my paintings have been shown in galleries so i can’t be all that bad.
This chapter of my life is not the chapter that allowns me to paint, to experiment like i want to, so i feel like i have lost a loved one, a part of me is missing.
Many people will not understand, heck my husband doesn’t understand, he didn’t even notice the big empty space in the living room, but that does not mean that the feelings are not real,
I need to focus on embroidery, i need to experiment and paint with thread.
Two posts in one day! I might be getting the hang of this! Don’t count on it… 😂
I went to first Friday this evening, you know where the local art galleries have their openings, I did not have anything in a show this go round, but one of my former professors was in a show, so i put the 3 chickadees in the car and dove an hour just to see the work of someone that i used to know.
I have mixed feeling…
The work was amazing…
My children where… not so amazing
8, 4, and 2 not very good ages to have out together, especially when the oldest is board and the other two feed off of her, that and all the sugar they seemed to have consumed in such a short time!
And I’m going to be honest with whoever you are that is reading this, once again i feel like I’m pretending at this artist thing…
I hate how I have to remind myself that i am an artist… that people like my work, i have a very long list of shows where the juror picked my work over so many others. So why do i feel this way!!! Why do I feel like my art is not good enough!? Why do I feel like I’m pretending that i’m an artist?! Maybe if I was around more artists I would feel different?
I had to pick up work that was shown in two past shows, and I found myself trying to hide it form the people that where there, like it didn’t even come close! I mean really how can you compare embroidery that is TINY to these amazing paintings that i could fit 100 or more of my works in? You can’t! I have to remind myself of that!
I want to paint so badly, and if I had the space, the child free space, the toddler free I put everything in my mouth space, than I really think that I could do great things, I have before so why not again!
This session that I’m in… this two bedroom 1,000 square foot 3 children session is not a painting session!
I feel like I’m just doing a craft… I need to stop feeling that way… but how!!!
How do you stop feeling that way when everything you learned in college is telling you that you are doing a craft not an art, but every time i have entered said “craft” into a show it has gotten in…
I need to stop now, it’s late, and my mind tends to wonder… I wish i could be painting right now, it’s Friday night and everyone is asleep, but i have no space to wait for paint to dry…
I need to remember that just because it is small and fits in my bag… my embroidery is no less important… is no less art… than all of the larger paintings hanging on the wall…
Just some rambling from an artist who isn’t feeling much like an artist…